Dr. Metropolis, a noted existentialist, phenomenalist and funambulist, holds doctoral degrees and appointments from:

Ecole Polytechnique, Lausanne, Switzerland; Institut duer Paedagogik und Psychologie, Vienna, Austria; Ringling Brothers Clown College (Defunct), Sarasota, Florida; and Kabab-mongering apprenticeships at various stalls flanking the Metropolitan Museum, New York City.

Currently, Dr. Metropolis is the peripatetic visiting professor (and yet, still barely picks up the phone to say hello) Emeritus of Picayune Studies at Brooklyn College, CUNY; and former show runner for the popular soap, The Web Between Our Toes.

Dear Doctor Metropolis,

I’ve heard about babies swallowing change safely, it this true?

Always best to call your pediatrician. Although, yes, coins will generally pass through the digestive tract to be expelled (with the exception of more than one magnetic object or toy-which should kept from children’s access at all times). The human body, though, has an amazing capacity to store objects. 

The most compelling  true story concerns a man who has been living in a mental health facility for twenty years. Patient X, was a healthy scrappy fellow; that is, until his stomach complaints revealed over 200 hundred keys, coins and rusty nails. 

Although doctors were amazed that he functioned normally, such is the mettle of man. After all, it’s what’s on the inside that counts. And who says you can’t leave this world with more that you came in with? But when this guy has to tinkle, he’s not kidding.

After the operation, X’s long- suffering sleepless roommate breathed a sigh of relief. “He would drive me crazy- I used to tell him; I hate it when you play with the change in your pocket and lower intestine.”

Dear Doctor Metropolis,

How can I find a competent surgeon?

I could probably be more helpful if you inquired about finding a good sturgeon. 

Regardless, this is a bit of an issue. If you were hiring a carpenter, you could gauge the work by crappy joints-and I would also do a finger count. 

As I see it, cracking a few books in Med school means doesn’t even qualify them to filet a herring. After all, when was the last time a cadaver winced?

I’d skip the Q&A session, to instead put the surgeon through some basic skill tests . I would think a good surgeon would be willing to a show and tell, such as playing a mandatory round of Operation , with only a one buzzer cushion.

Find a doc who throws a surgery day at the office, some chips and dip: A mixer for prospective candidates and any non-vegetative clientele .

And ask the doc to demonstrate some nimbleness. Let’s see a handmade shawl, a little detail work, some reassurance. I need to hear, “See this throw? I could pearl blindfolded-nice, huh?”

But it’s possible I’m not objective because I think surgical boards should require a millenary review!

I mean look at me!  Have a look at this turkey-stitched appy scar !

I’m left with a crested ridge of tissue that looks like a  lanyard frieze!  

The sutures zig-zags so much that a homesick young Asian intern , who previously lived by the meandering Yangtze, became misty-eyed, poking my incision, whimpering how he used to play by the banks of my external obliques.

Dear Doctor Metropolis,

What sort of background do I need to get into the film industry?

What sort of background do I need to get into the film industry?

However fertile your imagination, everyone needs a solid foundation in theory and scholarship. If you are to go beyond the ceiling, you first have to climb the ladder of imagination.

Here are some books I recommend :

-Character, Causality and Kubrick: Is Hal Really Sorry Or What?

-Pre-War German Musical Cinema; Gotta Sing, Gotta Dance, Gotterdamerung!

-Hitchcockian  Dualities and  Doppelgängers: Same-ness; One-ness; Two-ness; We-ness ; You-ness—Who the hell is Eunice?

-Reel Butter :Semiotics, Representation And Verisimilitude In The Lobby.

-The Poly-syllabic cinema: Eisenstein, Tarkovsky, Kurosawa, Kieslowskiz: Can we say it and not spray it?

-Subliminal Intrusion, Hermeneutic signifiers, Discursive Textual Idiolects, and Backward Masking: “Howard The Duck.

-Kinetic Art and the Modernist Flip Book: If you flip a bank page does it still make a picture?

-Deconstructing Woody: Aberrant Decoding and Diachronic Bullshit.

-Guide to Making of an Empire: The Star wars legacy

 (Will someone please drive George off the set?)

Dear Doctor Metropolis,

What are some of the strangest last will and testaments you’ve read about?

Hollywood endings are frequently imaginative.

Larry Hagman was an early TV icon as the befuddled, immensely good natured, master of a delightful genie (Barbara Eden) in “I Dream Of Jeannie”. Hagman then did an amazingly successful 180 as the unscrupulous, love-to-hate character J.R. Ewing, in the very popular series, Dallas. Hagman’s will requested that he be cremated and spread over a wheat field.

A beautiful sentiment.

The will (citation needed) goes on to say that once the wheat is harvested and baked into a nice ciabatta, it should be served to his closest friends as a remembrance.

Additional codicils stipulate that  due to Hagman’s high LDL, the bread should not be slathered with butter, magazines, and any other trans-fatty acids; virgin cold-pressed olive oils are cited. And most emphatically, he states,  the loaves should not be served as bruschetta, as tomato-herb combinations invariably “repeat on me.”

Dear Doctor Metropolis,

Is it true that Harrison Ford is actually going to do another Indiana Jones?

Hard as it is to believe, Ford, will give it another go; although his fitness may be questionable.

In recent interviews, Ford’s grasp of this present situation is somewhat suspect. He interrupted an interview to ask the whereabouts of his “girl ”, actress Calista Flockhart, (more that two decades his junior) because he worried she might be talking to “too many strangers.”

This was generally shrugged off , until he fended questions regarding his virility by asserting he can still kick “Short Round’s ass  (Jonathan Luke Ke Huy Quan) with one hand tied behind his back.”

Through our network of moles, sycophants and rat bastards, the screenplay has been leaked, revealing Ford’s influence and health concerns.

(Ford had previously filed a lawsuit over his role with the producers of “What Lies Beneath”, asserting he was mislead in what he presumed was a PBS documentary that would offer him a complete body scan.)

The current project (“Indian Jones And The Case History”) finds Dr. Jones attending an archeological symposium on the banks of the Volga River during the post-war Stalinist purges. Here Indy meets Russian Pathologist Dr. Nikolay Anichkov, a forerunner of cholesterol research , who finds Indy’s triglycerides totally out of whack .  

Jones’s mission to acquire Anichkov and his research, becomes urgent, as Stalin (during rehearsals, Ford kept calling this actor,“Statin”), sends Anichkov to a popular Siberian resort, “Happy Sanitarium Petting Grounds And Interment.”

In order to help Anichkov escape , Jones arranges a stay at the resort under the pseudonym, Warren Pice. Replete with a Papakha and a Yak vest, he manages to joining the in-house dance troupe,“The Krazy Kissin’ Kousin’s Kossack Kardio Kickboxing Kollective .

Ford becomes troupe leader, taking the stage in a singing first for Indy. Ford , in his own voice, performs from the Soviet standard songbook, “What Kind Of Gout Is This?”

As Anichkov’s  research was based on Stalin’s love of deep -fried rabbits, the  doctor successfully enlists Jones’ help in franchising “Kremlin Fried Krolik’” food stalls,  in an attempt to kill Stalin by speeding up his atherosclerosis. As Soviet troupes bear down on Indy, Stalin dies of a heart attack. 

In a final shot, Indy is seen gleefully munching lettuce in a voluminous patch of rabbits. It’s been rumored that this is a teaser to the follow-up, “Indiana Jones and the Mediterranean Diet.”

Dear Doctor Metropolis,
Is coffee really good or bad for you - what’s the deal?

Current research generally finds coffee beneficial, though when interested parties promote studies, findings may be a bit suspect. The soft and energy drink industry is inundated with absurd levels of caffeine. How far will certain international coffee concerns go?

Invariably every business reaches a saturation point and begins to push the envelope. The program, “el café es divertido” is a tad too influential. Primary school competitions and fairs have taken to offer coffee grounds as prizes . And if the habit may need some additional cultivation, free snacks at lunch are only available with a macchiato.

An unnamed consultant for the industry, noted consumption is up over 25 percent.

“This heart healthy habit,” he beamed, “promises to addic….…. I mean, reach scores of children.”

Some parents are pleased. One parent’s 8 year old son, starts the day with a triple-espresso and Sambuca. Previously, the father informs, Manny was always dragging his feet to school; and subsequently became extremely energetic.

“Last year, I had trouble getting him up in the morning and doing his homework after dinner-now he’s up for 20,30 hours at a clip.”

“Once I didn’t see him all weekend“, the parent continues, “so I went to the police station. They told me don’t worry, it’s routine. They always show up by Monday morning; it’s french vanilla with Anisette.”

Dear Doctor Metropolis,

What do we do about bullying in schools?

For a child, bullying is nearly as bad as it can get in a school or social environment. Even in this age of social media, it may be possible that a child’s situation may go unnoticed by the most conscientious of parents and educators.

Yet as both a parent and former teacher, I’ve found that for every dedicated , aware parent and staff member , there are as many counterparts that were oblivious, obtuse and apathetic to a child’s abuse. Not to mention the immense hypocrisy of inattentive parents who feel slandered after their child is targeted as a bully.

On a personal note, I have proposed a program of my own initiative,  the KYO project (Knock Yourself Out). In this proposal ,all bullies of comparative  rank and age are gathered to all attend a common school together. Therapy consists of a blend of supervised cognitive and physic -therapy in which participants engage in a bully free-for-all.

As my program work extrapolates, “Sometimes we have to learn by example; and it’s really not all that violent. Once there’s no defenseless victim, much like extinguishing a flame,  it sort of draws all the oxygen out of the room - along with a few molars, of course”. Return to one’s original district is contingent upon course completion, requiring a good faith dedication. In this simple formality, former bullies rewet all the desiccated gum underneath their desks in a 30 minute mastication ceremony.

Dear Doctor Metropolis,

Thinking about relocating, but every day I read about alligators in someone’s pool - is this like a daily thing in Florida?

Thinking about relocating, but every day I read about alligators in someone’s pool-is this like a daily thing in Florida? Every state has it share of unique challenges, no need to rethink your plans if you’re set on a move to the sunshine state.

It’s really not all that common, but there was a recent call to a market, just a stone’s throw from some swamplands.

Appears the sheriff’s office retrieved an arm near the rear trash bins, behind the food store. Some did criticize The Piggly Extra -Wiggly market manager Vera Cassidy, for her poise, waiting until closing to call the authorities.

“Not much more than a lost wallet or purse; of course, if someone was missing an arm I’d make sure it was pretty much an exact match - no need to check ID’s, though.  And I always make an announcement that all appendages are now in courtesy.”

Dear Doctor Metropolis,

Is it really as easy to break out of prison as all the many escape  movies make it out to be?

The ins and outs of incarceration is admittedly out of my realm. But many movies are based on real events. In addition to collusion, luck and planning, most escapes rest on a heavy dose of  false perception; for instance, fashioning what  appeared to be a weapon, out of a bar of soap. 

A story of a recent outbreak  comes to mind. A prisoner escaped with what appeared to be a handgun shaped out of a blackened cardboard toilet tube. This clever ruse was possible as the core very much resembled the cylindrical barrel of a handgun.

When investigators questioned the guard on duty as to why he didn’t act against a likely prop, the officer insisted, although uncertain about the weapon’s authenticity, he could “clearly see the nozzle was ”loaded.”

Dear Doctor Metropolis,

Is philosophy a real field of endeavor or is it just an intellectual hobby?

I actually have a relevant story.

It feels like only yesterday I was sitting with the great philosopher Albert Camus at a cafe on Rue Chanoinesse in 1956, sipping on a Margaux, ’21, elated about this legendary tete ‘a tete.

Unbeknownst to Camus, I invited another legendary literary figure, Jean-Paul Sartre to join us. Upon hearing this, Camus threw a tremendous hissy fit, objecting to Sartre’s attendance, forewarning that Sartre would definitely be a buzzkill, and advising all to wet their pinky so as to ascertain downwind positions.

Camus became further agitated, threatening if Sartre ordered his routine goat milk, he’d  put his head in a duck press, “tout comme Curly dans les trois comparses!"

I rose, in the nick of time, quickly intercepting Sartre at the entrance, spinning him around by the shoulders. I wheelbarrow Sartre out, as he pushes against my hands, concerned that in anger, Sartre has been known to fling his boot. This invariably empties out the cafe, not, mon dieu, for the violence, but rather obliged by ashen toenails so fused into the remaining fibers of his sock, that it resembled a barnacled Spanish galleon. I return to the table but Camus remains agitated.

“Consider yourself unfortunate,” Camus relates; “ before Sartre’s rant ends, you come to realize that inherent in the question of consciousness, he also, naturellement, includes bathing! And if one poses a challenge, Sartre always dashes for the exit, crying,”non plus le cheque aussi!”

“So you see,” Camus continues, “the inspiration for his novel is not so esoteric; this cri de coeur of cafes resultantly locked their rear passage: so Sartre greeted the inspirational, no exit sign, more frequently the Crèvecœur he deflowered-or how should I say, plucked. (Sartre’s alleged poultry peccadillos along the seaside alleyways were allegedly detailed in an local expose, “Not so Nice: Why the feathers are flying!”)

To answer your query apropos of a philosopher’s vocation,  here’s the prologue from Satre’s final unpublished tome, No Title: 

“Dear friends, I have spent my entire life in existential pursuit, thereby giving up wine, women and song; and in finality, I can declare, “Mon Dieu, Je suis miserable!”

Dear Doctor Metropolis,

What is love?

Our little fish pond of a planet has long since pondered the question of love.

While the questions of the ages deals with cosmological, philosophical and existential dilemmas, the concept of love may not compare in its mysteries.

Why? Because simple issues are complex. Complex issues are simple.

Noble prize- winning physicist, Richard Feynman famously stated of quantum mechanics, “if you can’t explain something in simple terms, you don’t understand it. Love, much like quantum theory, does not exist in a tangible dimension.  

So what are love’s characteristics? Is the sensation akin to ripping hot mustard plasters off your buttocks ? Is tofu actually warm styrofoam?  Is Geppetto , the wood cobbler’s creation of Pinocchio a projection of his impotence? Does a Whooping Crane land in a pond, driven only by instinct? Does harboring an incredible desire to dip his beak, just nature calling? Understandably, it’s late in the Crane’s season; bills anxiously inflate ,the roan flapping wildly. This is where we derive the term “Whooping it up!”

No complex social machinations. The roan then glances over to the mare, the message instantly conveyed: “I know why you’re standing stalk-deep in mud - and so do you.” Human love, of course, is more than merely instinct, biology or evolution; it cannot be measured or tangibly held, yet it’s omnipresent in expression. I believe love is all about  bringing out the best in each other.

Unfortunately, some people put up defenses. 

Others, akin to a rock wall so steep, footing becomes unscalable; or a chain link fence that you can see thru but not hop over. Then they spew spent pistachio’s through the gaps and ask why you’re making noise walking on the shells.

Comprendre? Then again, the canon of behavioral science remains puzzled why the entire uncircumcised population of Forth Worth, Texas insists “a hat makes a man?”

Of course I don’t have all answers.

For myself,  love doesn’t merely glow like warm embers, it’s a great raging all-consuming fire; a feeling that cannot be mistaken. However, I have traveled half-way around the world in the name of love only to later discover it was hiatal hernia.